keep passing the open windows

Some of the blogs I read participate in “Grace in Small Things;” the bloggers list, each day, five small things that make them thankful. I’ve adopted the habit whilst I wile away the early morn in bed (rather than on my treadmill, where my ass really should be!)

I made a rule for myself, no easy outs, no being thankful for my family or my friends, those are too obvious. Instead I try to come up with five new small things each day.

So far I’ve been thankful that I’m not that tree-wart-virus guy from the Discovery Channel and that I don’t have eight (or fourteen, for that matter) kids and a bitchy wife.

But I’m finding that the exercise is backfiring as being thankful, oddly enough, brings out the anxiety gnomes and the stress hobgoblins.
For example:
1. “I am thankful for my RAV4. It’s been a wonderful car and has 190,000 miles on it and never needs repairs.”

“Hmmm.. but 190,000 miles, that’s a lot. It’s sure to break down soon. What if it does? We can’t afford another car. Shit!”

2. “I’m thankful that my kids have been getting along very well lately.”

“Is that really good? What if Rea starts hanging out with Tay and being nice to his friends and one of his friends gets a crush on her and she gets pregnant and instead of being a lawyer she ends up dropping out of school and having many a bairn?”

3. “I’m thankful that we have healthy food.”

“But, really, is it healthy? Is all the Splenda I consume causing cancer, right now, maybe in my pituatary gland? What about the four pounds of butter I purchase a week, for baking? Maybe my arteries are already clogged.”

4. “I’m thankful for my casual workplace, which I love.”

“What if I get laid off? I’ll have to get a ‘regular’ job. One that precludes the wearing of flip flops, and possibly mandates the wearing of heels. I hate high heels. Plus, what if I can’t find ANY job, even one that requires dreaded footwear?”

5. “I’m thankful for my kids’ good grades.”

“But, really, they don’t spend much time doing homework. Just an hour a day so maybe they are learning a bad lesson, not much work + good grades = extrinsically reinforced laziness. And Tay, he has a 3.75 GPA but is only ranked 16/54. That’s not even in the the top quarter of his class. What if he doesn’t get into college? Or does, but doesn’t qualify for any scholarships?”

It’s not pessimism, so much as superstition; there’s a little part of me that honestly believes, “If I worry about it, it won’t happen.”

Crazy, I know.

And, yes, I have discussed this with a medical professional. Who prescribed anti-anxiety meds.

However, the thought of not worrying filled me with worry. I worried that if I didn’t worry, I might not worry about something I SHOULD worry about and it would have possible (ta-dum!) worrisome consequences.

(Hmm.. I guess my husband, in counting his blessings, can’t include “mentally healthy wife!”)